JERRY SPRINGER   DRAGONLANCE STYLE!
by writersfairies
Summary: This is pretty much selfexplanatory. It's a Jerry Springer episode of Raistlin, Caramon, and Kitiara. It's titled, 'My sister's a slut and my brother's shiny as gold.' There's some character bashing, but please read and review.


_**Disclaimer: We do not own anything in this story. . . IF YOU DON'T WANT RANDOMNESS DON'T READ!! Thank you.**_

_**Warning: A lot of bashing of all character's involved. We love them all, but there just so much fun to screw with.**_

JERRY SPRINGER. . . DRAGONLANCE STYLE!!

**Jerry turned to the camera, "Well on today's show our subject is 'My sister's a slut and my brother is shiny as gold' with our guests, Caramon and Raistlin Majere and Kitiara Uth Matar!**

"**Caramon, Raistlin, and Kitiara, please come in and take a seat."**

**Caramon walked in, dressed in his shiny golden armor from **_**Time of the Twins, **_**his hair long and wavy and his body buff. 'Nice wardrobe,' he thought to himself, 'hope I can take this home to Tika.'**

**The women in the crowd catcalled, and a few men even wolf-whistled. A brawl erupted in the center aisle. "He's MY man, wenches!" said Tika, as she brutally assaulted her fellow audience members with a frying pan.**

"**Tika, baby, umm…you're a little scary…you know I would never cheat on you."**

**Tika eyed him speculatively, "Good, because otherwise I'll make what Takhisis did to your brother look civilized."**

**Caramon whimpered as Tika settled down, refusing to let the bodyguards, who were draconians, take her away.**

_Raistlin came floating out on stage with his black robes billowing around him. Raistlin assessed the crowd with his luminous blue eyes (Yes you heard me! He looks like he used to before his test.) before flicking his auburn tresses over his shoulder going to seat him self next to his twin. The crowd roared and a few women fainted. Two women were being held back by the bodyguards holding signs saying, "WE LOVE YOU RAISTLIN! WE JUST THINK YOU'RE MISUNDERSTOOD!"_

_The brunette, who was sporting a trench coat, managed to break free of the body guard and sprinted on stage in front of Raistlin. She threw open her trench coat and Caramon stared before saying, "Look Raist, Bunnies!"_

_The bodyguards grabbed her by each arm, but Raistlin stopped them before whispering something in the brunette's ear that made her go beat red before she was drug off stage with a wide grin on her face._

"**Ugh," Kitiara said as she surveyed herself in the mirror, "there is not enough hair gel in the world for this! Damn bad hair days, they always make me want to stab people with spears while riding my dragon!"**

"**That's why Sturm got it!" said Tasslehoff, who had smuggled himself into a secret compartment of Kitiara's enormous bottle of gel.**

"**What the—" Kitiara did not finish, because she heard the crowd cheering her name, "Oh, well, whatever they want, they are paying for my hair gel addiction."**

**Tas looked puzzled, "Are you huffing hair gel now?"**

**Kitiara, however, was already striding out on stage. She was wearing her blue dragon armor. She smiled charmingly at the crowd. The majority of the men began drooling. One woman in the top row jeered, "Home-wrecking slut!"**

"**She gave me AIDS!" screamed Sturm from the front row.**

"**I know, I got it too, and I'm a dragon!" piped Skie who appeared in human form, "You have no idea how embarrassing it is…"**

**Kit ignored the jeers of "Whore" and "Trollop!" and sat down in Jerry's lap.**

"**Umm, guests sit on the couch," said Jerry, coughing nervously.**

"**Fine, but then no freebies tonight, but maybe tomorrow," Kit purred, stroking Jerry's balding head and sitting on the couch.**

"_So Kitiara, how did you become so. . . free loving?"asked Jerry smoothing out his jacket and crossing his legs (You know why. . .)._

"**Well, my therapist says it because I am looking for a father figure and subconsciously I have Freudian issues with my mother." Kit sighed, "I always just thought it was because it felt good. Hey, are there any elves or half-elves in the audience? I'll give you a two-for-one special!"**

_Tanis was dragged up the isle and out the door by Laurana as she snarled, "No way in hell, Tanis! You're not giving me what she's got!"_

"_I wasn't intending too! Laurana. . . that hurts!" whined Tanis as she all but threw him through the swinging doors._

"**Well then, I suppose that just leaves me!" Dalamar sprang from his seat, his scars from Raistlin's hand oozing as he ripped off his robes, appearing in a black speedo. **

**Kit surveyed Dalamar, "Hey, Jer, is that all right if I call you Jer? Is there some place private?"**

"**Backstage." Jerry mouthed as he stared and stared at the odd half-naked elf with oozing sores on his chest, "You're cleaning that up."**

**Dalamar took Kit's hand, "Let's scat." They disappeared. Then Dalamar reappeared, "Oh, Shalafi, umm, can you cover the mess? I still haven't got my allowance from Mom, yet. You know the undead, so unreliable." He then disappeared before Raistlin could say, "Cheap-ass bastard!"**

_Jerry looked around with a sigh, "Well, I guess we got part of the episode out the way. Now onto 'My brother's shiny as gold.' Only your not. Would you care to explain?"_

"**Well," said Raistlin, "it's this great Underworld foundation. I believe their slogan is 'Maybe she's born with it, maybe it's Maybelline. Just watch," he rubbed part of it off with a handkerchief and blinded the audience with his shimmering gold skin. "And the contacts are Advance. Oh, and I dyed my hair back to its original color. It's hard to get chicks when you have gold skin and look like an old man. Oh, and I secretly stole some of Kit's hair gel."**

_A scream came from back stage, "WHAT?!"_

_Raistlin didn't even flinch as he called back, "Don't worry. . . just use the ooze from Dalamar's wounds. It works miracles. I've been selling it on ebay for years. Why do you think he's still oozing?"_

_The call from the back stage, "Oh. . . Hey you're right! This stuff's great. Hook me up little bro, I want a care package."_

_Caramon looked from his brother to the backstage in what could have been horror but it didn't stop him from munching on some Lay's Sour Cream n' Onion potato chips._

"**So, umm," Jerry fished for a new topic, "it says here that you, Raistlin, have tried to have Caramon killed on quite a few occasions. How does this affect your relationship?"**

"**Well, you see, we've been receiving Solamnia-based family counseling as part of our parole for illegal time travel. I think we're making great progress." Said Caramon.**

_Caramon turned to Raistlin, "Hey, Raist, would you like a hug?"_

_Raistlin gave Caramon a disgusted look before saying, "Go to hell."_

"_See! He used to try and stab me but now he's only verbally threatening me." said Caramon with a grin._

_A cry came from the crowd from the two girls from earlier, who some how managed to sneak back in, "We'll give you a hug, Raistlin!"_

_Raistlin smirking blowing them a kiss before mouthing 'Later'._

_Both the girls gave gusty sighs before getting back in their seats.(By the way just in case you didn't notice. The two girls are representing myself and my fellow writer fairy. Oh gee. . . WE LOVE YOU RAISTLIN!)_

**Tasslehoff ran onto stage screaming, "I see London! I see France! I saw Dalamar's underpants!" He clutched his eyes, "I think I'm blind!" He ran into the wall and conked himself out.**

"**Oh, well," said Raistlin, who had rolled up his sleeves at Tas's arrival, "Saves me the trouble."**

_Flint, having heard enough dirty stuff at this point, ran down the isle clutching his head screaming, "M R! M R! MIND RAPE!"_

_Raistlin looks out into the crowd and whistles gesturing for the two fan girls to come to the stage. They gleefully run up the stage each grabbing one of his arms._

_Bupu runs out from back stage grabbing the back off Raistlin's robes crying, "PRETTY MAN! PRETTY MAN MINE!"_

_The fan girls turn on her with fangs and glowing red eyes, "Not any more you stupid gully dwarf." The air chilled around the stage as the females stared each other down. "__**He's ours!**__" _

"_Now, now, ladies. . ." Raistlin soothed the ruffled feather's of the females around him, "There's enough of me to go around. . .although." He went on his haunches before Bupu._

"_You know I like you Bupu. . . but it would never work between us. We're just. . . too different. Let's just be friends."_

"**But, I love you, Pretty Man," said Bupu tearily. **

"**A bird may love a fish, but where would they live? It's not you, it's me," Raistlin said. "You're just too good for me. I don't deserve a girl like you."**

**Bupu's tears fell on the dead lizard. All of the sudden Fizban appeared, dressed, for god knows what reason, as Cinderella's fairy godmother.**

"**Now, what is that spell? Buppity boo…no…Bibbly-ty boo?"**

"**Bippity boppety boo…" murmured Tas in his stupor.**

"**Oh, yes, bippety boppety boo!"**

"**NOOOOOOOOO!" cried the crowd as the backstage erupted in flames.**

"**Good ol' Fireball," Fizban blew on his smoking hands. "Ah, now where is my hat?" he muttered, scouring the crowd.**

**Kit and Dalamar came out the flaming back stage, draped in curtains and spare carpeting. They raced outside, and Kitiara could be heard remarking, "Damn, Dalamar, I didn't know you were that hot!"**

_Suddenly Tas came out of his stupor and ran to Bupu, "Bupu, muffin, why are you crying? I told you I would take you to the movies tonight. I haven't changed my mind, and I even got those back seatsinstalled in the Thunderbird so we can have. . . privacy."_

_Bupu gaped at Tas before turning to Raistlin in horror. Raistlin stared at them in shock and the blonde fan girl said, "Who woulda thunk it?"_

"_YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH A KENDER!" screamed Raistlin his golden glow shinning through the foundation, "How long has this been going on?!"_

"_Well, you see we meet on a spring break in Cancun. . ."_

"_Ugh! Let's go ladies." Said Raistlin storming out with the girls._

_The blonde turned and stuck out her tongue at Bupu as the brunette soothed Raistlin by saying, "I'll make it up to you Raist baby, we'll go to the pet store right now and get you a bunny. . ."_

_Tika, having stewed long enough, stormed on stage and threw Caramon over her shoulder (the song __**I just wanna be mad for a while**__ playing in the background). She walked out the back door and you could hear her faint ranting, "Bunnies indeed!"_

"**Umm, I guess that's it for our show today…We still have a couple minutes left…umm, well tomorrow's show is on 'I'm dead but I'm still flaming gay!' with our guest, Ozorne, former undead Emperor of Carthak, and his would-be lover Numair Salmalin."**

_The screen turned to the dead Sturm who said, "If you don't want AIDS like me kids," he dramatically produced a picture of Kitiara, "Don't get drunk and sleep with her."_

"**Also, never drink and fly, kids," Skie said morosely. **

_Dalamar shows up randomly for a moment laughing maniacally, "Ah- ha! People with elf blood can't get AIDS! BOO-YA!"_

_**Author Note: If you want to read our Wild Magic Jerry Springer show go to the **_

_**Tamora Pierce category in books and look it up. Please review our randomness and tell us what you think. . . but mind you we want constructive criticism. . . if you just want to be nasty then don't read. Anyway. . .bye!.**_


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